Fighter of A Million Dreams

I read a bunch on my coming exams. My Malaysian Economy is up first, so I went on a go with that. then i realized, I have yet to read on more things in this world that has to offer.

Truth be told, I met my lecturer Mr. Halim on my final year project. I knew from the very beginning if it were to be under his tutelage, the end result I would get was not a paper with an A grade, but experience and a whole lot more. I already knew he was going to warn me, as he truly wants to emphasize on quality. So i decided, that since other lecturers would show me the "get away easy" style of doing the FYP, I believe he can make a fine man out of me, and I would love to see that report published as a journal (And that ain’t easy).

As I was saying, i haven’t read much, about being a man, sexual activities, financial things, gaming news so on and so forth. I realized, that I need to go more than just that. I mean, being criticized by my future wife on not knowing house measurements and features is a really a big blow on my manhood. Moreover, I at least need to learn how to renovate a house. My dad knows how, so why shouldn’t I?

What defines a man now? Is he loyal, respectful, wise? There are lots of qualities of being a man, but nowadays, we have feminine men. men who are too emotional (Yes, I’m raising my hand up for this too). Yet, I believe, real men are not women. They don’t behave like them, at all. Yet, they aren’t cold, mean and totally unapproachable.

I began body building 2 years ago. I was under the impression that chicks love a guy with a hot bod. I was right, but its just a small step. there’s a lot more that chicks want in a man. A whole lot tat i never realized until now. And trust me, I am way behind all that.

I remember in Dead Poets Society, it was very much about learning to tell yourself on how to seize the day. And through dat, is by doing it. And is what should be done. We should just do it, no questions asked. If we want something so bad, do it. And ignore the world. The lecturers in my university did what they had to in order to get to where they are. Why shouldn’t I? I don’t want to stay in an aircon job forever. I want to do things that branches from farming to education. I want the World to see that 1 man is powerful as a fireant. But not many realize that at all.

I’ve did a few things in my life that I should be proud off. But it won’t stop there. InsyaAllah, with the belief I have in Allah to show me on how I should live in this life, I am positive that I can achieve true wealth, help my brothers and sisters all around the world, and in hopes I am accepted in heaven along with the people who work hard to be there with. Its ambitious, but nobody said its not doable. Nothing is easy, but nothing is hard either. So here’s to me, fighting for my 1 million dreams, and this time, the world is involved.

Much Love, Azlil.Ash.

I am mentally unstable. Yes, that is my condition. Regardless of what you may see me as happy and fine, i am actually unstable. Purely unstable. The weirdest part is, no one knows.

Perhaps that makes me a step closer in being a man. A guy who practically made aware of himself that his emotion was kept within, and no one knew. Its not that I am truly unstable. It is that i am in a mode of soul searching. To find out what i am truly capable of in this life. But I’ve come to a point.

I don’t want changes around me, which is childish of me, yet i think that i should change inside, which is also childish of me. Things have happened, life has been good, and life definitely, has changed. I have changed my method of study (no more 2 hours a night thing, which is better compared to not studying at all), my method of food intake (more, which is better than less in bulking up), just to name a few. And yet, i don’t want anything else besides me, changing.

Naive. That’s the thought. That’s the thinking. That’s the foolishness. I am in distraught these few days, burdening myself with thoughts unwanted, and future oriented. Mom said not to think about the future, its not yet the time. And she’s right. 100% as she claims. hehe. I’ve laid out the things necessary already for the future, so stop dreaming, stop thinking, and work to it.

I feel small, and antlike small. But the past few days, i realized, that just like anybody else, i am a fireant. I sting, terribly, and i give a big impact towards the people around me. the magnitude of my decisions, go way beyond that what i have expected. For example, Mom freaked out when she thought i was going to bulk up like Malik Noor (which is actually, impossible due to gene limitations. Probably nearest would be to Jet Li or Jackie Chan). But after correct explanation, the dust was settled.

Evidently, i am becoming much more foolish as it goes. I hope I meet a conclusion soon, as more dusts need to be cleaned, and cleansed. I am totally needing to get myself off from a lot of things, I need to lie down and just lie down there. Soul searching isn’t easy for me, and I don’t really tell anyone about it. Nobody knows, except me, Allah, the readers of this blog. I realized deep within, i do have much to lose, and yet much to gain.

God, make me capable of taking other changes around me. I worry I am not attractive to my gf anymore, i worry if i am not able to liven up to expectations as people have wanted me to fulfill to. I carry a heavy burden, and I have very little to cool off. I know i am ungrateful, truly, that is the case. Yet I hope you could straighten me up. No, you can’t, I have to do it on my own. And You, guide me all along. You’ve given me opportunities, chances, so many offerings, I have yet to assemble and gather any of them. May I ask, if some things, remain the same, until a certain time, where I am ready to accept the change? fact is, when is the ready?

Others are changing, I can’t stop them. I can’t take each and every one of it yet. Its a struggle i have to go through. It’ll burden my head again, I know. But its what I gotta do. I have to change, and change along. I’m scared, nonetheless. Nobody is around to help me through, and get it off me once in a while. Its been my battle, so why should anyone else be a part of it? Its my war. And this blog, serves as how much I want to let out. Distraught mind people, and I doubt anybody reads this. Thoroughly. I’m a guy, I don’t share my problems, i end them.

Once again, I have to take it slow. I have other commitments, responsibilities to adhere to. At one time, I wish I could deload from it all, and i do so. I wish I could just relax, and not dream of the future, make up imaginations of it. And just be blank. No, sleeping won’t help my poor mind. I just need to be blank for a while.

Just for a while.

Much Love, Azlil.Ash.

Deep within a man’s heart, lies emotions that he noes he has to sustain. He noes deep within, he should not, ever, let his emotions go out. Be it in any way possible, he is a man, as cold as stone. Heartless, emotionless. that is what he must hold within.

He rarely, will let anyone noe what he has inside. He sumtimes releases it to his pals, the man around him. Because in this circle, is where he could really pour out. He can cry, and yet be understood of what he has to take inside. It is ok to let it out, but only to the right persons. Some, do it alone. Crying in the dark, where no one ever knew, and no one ever realizes. Outside, he is cheerful, happy, outgoing, friendly, compassionate, strong. All the capabilities of a man. But deep down in hiding, his heart lets all out, and his mind allows him to.

It is that sort of attitude that real men do have. The current generation men? they have been embracing their "feminine" side. they cry out aloud, they act as chivalrous, they become a bunch of whining men who are indeed a cumbersome. Annoying. They are the current generation men.

So where are the knight in shining armors? Where are the true males? They, are still there, untouched and unnoticed by how women want men to be more emotional, only to have what they want turn against themselves. Ever noticed, how men are stomped by women who are higher paying, higher status, better careers? Those are the toy boys, the males that get pick and kicked as they like, and in the end, these women dump them. their sexual lives are not fulfilled, they don’t get the man they desire. That is what happens to them.

Life has a balance to all of it. We males have our roles. Yet, in this generation, the males have truly, been different. Notice the gurls that are with guys. The real guys that gets chicks nowadays, are bad boys, because they are risk takers, they do more than what the average joe does. Why do rempits have chicks? Easy, because they put their lives on the line for excitement, and women find it thrilling. Trust me, there are some very good looking and great status’ed women with those kind of guys. And yet, what happened now? Guys don’t take numbers anymore in this country, the daring ones do, and they get them. Not just one night stands, but some even go a lot more than just that.

I’m tired of looking at myself in the mirror. People have been wanting me to change as how they want it, but i don’t see anyone who says, "You are who you are. I’m happy for that." I’m tired, and I just wanna lie down and listen. I don’t wanna do the talking, i just wanna do the thinking. Of life and the hereafter. I have much to catch up, i have much left behind to be successful off. So, i will smile, like i have always done recently, and keep on doing so until i want to scream and shout, as i desire. No one stopped me before, and they will never do so. I’ll be quiet now, and listen.

Much Love, Azlil.Ash.

Proton Saga, or Perodua Myvi? Maybe the new Proton MPV. Who knows. I’m having trouble on that department now.

My heart says go for a Honda Accord. Yes yes, far beyond my reach. Its almost like a 200k car. And that alone should be driven by my father. (Manually. My dad and I take great pride with a manual shift) But I don’t know. If i could already afford an Accord, it would be great.

But I guess, i’m stuck with the 2 option. I’m gonna have to test drive both to see how it really feels for me. I’m mesmerized by how the new Saga is made into, an original design. And looking at the Myvi, might as well get Toyata Passo for that matter. Perodua just copy pasting, no originality. But who am I to judge eh?

The Saga is indeed cheaper, and the Myvi, well, you need to patch up a few more k’s to get it. Its either the M Line Manual Saga, or Myvi Manual Sxi. I do not like auto. Its fun and easy to ride, but i like a stick.

Well, let’s get the cash first, then cough up what ever we need for the car. Hoping to get mine after i graduate. Within that 6 month time period. But, looking at waiting lists, it might not be easy for me to get a car the next day, just like my bike. So, if that becomes the matter, I will find a way.

Much Love, Azlil.Ash.

O captain my captain,
be the first words ye hear,
For Carpe Diem be second,
more lovely to your ear,
And how have you aged,
fine and remarkable,
a bloody mess you’ve created,
the white lilies, are now roses in hold,
for such life ye have,
for such bravery,
where thy honor be?
For it in the heart of many?
Or those of slavery.
You are wise, and yet young
And you have shown,
a desk set be flung,
you forget not of your desire,
you forget not of your dreams,
for that is where you’ve flown,
at reality, is now your dream.
Owh Neil,
poor soul,
Or truly, a lucky one?
Free from the world of its chains binding you,
letting snowflakes grace your skin as you smile,
you have grown,
you are wise.
Such a waste of talent,
such a pity i see,
for how sad i am for you,
you deserve to be you.
You deserve that open sky,
when clouds find new friends,
see it through your eyes,
how vast is the limit, it’ll never end.
Where do we stand today Neil?
Absolutely lower than you.
We are chained,
but not you.
Fly free my friend.
And Seize The Day.
O captain my captain,
you have taught well,
he is smiling upon us,
we bid him well.
We may die tomorrow,
but today, we shall live again.
Carpe Diem.
Carpe Diem.

Dedicated to a good friend of mine, Neil Perry from Dead Poets Society.

Edit: To those who know this, basically this is plagiarism. Don’t commit it. I’m only giving you spoilers on the story. the rest, you have to find it yourself.

Much Love, Azlil.Ash.

In this world, there is definitely a whole lot of people who are giving advices on working out. but to be noted, no one has the real correct way of really saying which one works for u. Why? For every person, their body works very differently, and so there are some that you can take, and some you definitely can’t follow.

I am in that dilemma. I was once an ectomorph. I never had any gf’s running with me, and i was under the perception that i was good looking, despite the pimples. how wrong was i ey? Very, sadly. Once i stopped school, i never had a platform to run to anymore. The university is just behind me, so, i’m not pumping any sweats thru my regular channel of morning work outs.

Once in unversity, during my 2nd trimester, Beta Year, i decided to work out. I decided that my small size, is not what i want anymore. And i should shape up. So i decided, what the hell, lets go for a large size. All my clothes that i bought in the past, were bigger than my size, to show hip hop baggy style. Heck, the older i got, the more i wanna look like myself.

So i did work out. Bench press, sit ups, all that. And so, i got bigger, in medium now. Sadly, i still have a belly from the 1 year of eating nasi ayam only for lunch. Heck, i was still young, so i didn’t really focus on eating healtily, but rather to eat what i like. So, after adjusting my meals, i now need to eat much much more. And to put in more work outs in my schedule. Weight in the past, 55 kg, now 67kg. I really need to be at 80 and above now. 90 should be large enough.

So tats my dilemma, i’m stuck at combined 50 lbs, and i’m stuck at my medium size. After talking with my gf, seems like i need to do a whole lot. I need to eat more than what i am doing so, including the cabbage, the fish, the rice, everything. I need to check out a few more things on other types of food. The effort to be bigger is something that i really need to put on. its not an easy thing, but hey, the money should not be a problem for me. Just the food.

So, with that much of things to put on, and not caring that i’m a student, i’ll be getting bigger. I can’t get rid of this tummy, so, i’ll just keep working out a lot more, and also eat a lot more. need the pains to go away

Much Love, Azlil.Ash.