Changes Within
I am mentally unstable. Yes, that is my condition. Regardless of what you may see me as happy and fine, i am actually unstable. Purely unstable. The weirdest part is, no one knows.
Perhaps that makes me a step closer in being a man. A guy who practically made aware of himself that his emotion was kept within, and no one knew. Its not that I am truly unstable. It is that i am in a mode of soul searching. To find out what i am truly capable of in this life. But I’ve come to a point.
I don’t want changes around me, which is childish of me, yet i think that i should change inside, which is also childish of me. Things have happened, life has been good, and life definitely, has changed. I have changed my method of study (no more 2 hours a night thing, which is better compared to not studying at all), my method of food intake (more, which is better than less in bulking up), just to name a few. And yet, i don’t want anything else besides me, changing.
Naive. That’s the thought. That’s the thinking. That’s the foolishness. I am in distraught these few days, burdening myself with thoughts unwanted, and future oriented. Mom said not to think about the future, its not yet the time. And she’s right. 100% as she claims. hehe. I’ve laid out the things necessary already for the future, so stop dreaming, stop thinking, and work to it.
I feel small, and antlike small. But the past few days, i realized, that just like anybody else, i am a fireant. I sting, terribly, and i give a big impact towards the people around me. the magnitude of my decisions, go way beyond that what i have expected. For example, Mom freaked out when she thought i was going to bulk up like Malik Noor (which is actually, impossible due to gene limitations. Probably nearest would be to Jet Li or Jackie Chan). But after correct explanation, the dust was settled.
Evidently, i am becoming much more foolish as it goes. I hope I meet a conclusion soon, as more dusts need to be cleaned, and cleansed. I am totally needing to get myself off from a lot of things, I need to lie down and just lie down there. Soul searching isn’t easy for me, and I don’t really tell anyone about it. Nobody knows, except me, Allah, the readers of this blog. I realized deep within, i do have much to lose, and yet much to gain.
God, make me capable of taking other changes around me. I worry I am not attractive to my gf anymore, i worry if i am not able to liven up to expectations as people have wanted me to fulfill to. I carry a heavy burden, and I have very little to cool off. I know i am ungrateful, truly, that is the case. Yet I hope you could straighten me up. No, you can’t, I have to do it on my own. And You, guide me all along. You’ve given me opportunities, chances, so many offerings, I have yet to assemble and gather any of them. May I ask, if some things, remain the same, until a certain time, where I am ready to accept the change? fact is, when is the ready?
Others are changing, I can’t stop them. I can’t take each and every one of it yet. Its a struggle i have to go through. It’ll burden my head again, I know. But its what I gotta do. I have to change, and change along. I’m scared, nonetheless. Nobody is around to help me through, and get it off me once in a while. Its been my battle, so why should anyone else be a part of it? Its my war. And this blog, serves as how much I want to let out. Distraught mind people, and I doubt anybody reads this. Thoroughly. I’m a guy, I don’t share my problems, i end them.
Once again, I have to take it slow. I have other commitments, responsibilities to adhere to. At one time, I wish I could deload from it all, and i do so. I wish I could just relax, and not dream of the future, make up imaginations of it. And just be blank. No, sleeping won’t help my poor mind. I just need to be blank for a while.
Just for a while.
Much Love, Azlil.Ash.
